Ontmoeting van gedachten
Een brief aan Katie, geschreven tijdens deelname aan mijn eerste School for The Work.
Los Angeles, Saturday, 20th October 2007
+ 2 h. in the morning.
Writing this letter is a bit like putting a piece of paper in the wall in Jerusalem. You need not respond to it openly. It will do its work.
I want to tell you how I discovered The Work. It’s through YouTube.
One week and a half ago (Tuesday 9th October) somebody e-mailed me she wanted to watch all the videos with you she could find on YouTube. I had come across your name a few times before, but hadn’t paid much attention. No that’s not true. I had paid attention that is why now I got curious and in two days’ time I watched all the videos I could find. It felt like a home coming. And here I am.
More than a year ago (September 2006) I quit my job – the nicest job I had ever had, with the nicest people I’ve ever worked with – because it wore me out. At that time I didn’t know I was already burned out. I just thought that the energy would come back to me once I had accepted that despite the good things about the job it wasn’t meant for me and that I had to go on.
I accepted to do a small project I could do at home one day a week and went to university to study humanistic (a study I had discovered the moment I decided to quit the job. I was thrilled about it). ‘Just let go and go on’ was my motto.
To make a long story short; I collapsed in November 2006. I thought with a month’s rest I would be over it.
In January it finally got through to me that it wasn’t going to happen. I had to really let go of everything.
It wouldn’t have surprised me if I had died. After every little exertion my body was shaking and pulling together. Once I sat at my table my conscious became just a great blank, a dark space. I thought: “Pay attention to your breathing” and said to myself over and over again “I can be in this place too.” There was piece.
After a while my conscious got filled again with the sensation of my body and my environment. I had passed this experience. It felt great.
My doctor urged me to listen to myself well and asked me time and again: “What do you need?” I only came up with: “I need a lot of rest, rest, rest.” After a few weeks and a lot of meditation I found words like.
- I need people who, from their own being, confirm the way I experience reality; I need recognition in others.
- I need to get imbedded in my own reality, stay in contact with it and find the courage to live it.
- I need to be aware of what distracts and undermines me without letting it get a hold on me.
At about the age of 24 I have had mystical experiences (the recognition as such came about 15 years later) that put my reality up side down. Although I tried I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I didn’t feel understood. I didn’t understand myself. Had I become crazy? As a result of these experiences I quit my law study (which I finished 12 years later).
I knew I had been given something that I would have to make my own. It wasn’t embodied yet. I prayed to build a bridge, a bridge between heaven and earth.
It took me years trying to find my way in life (I know this is my way). I learned more about myself and others. I took a lot of chances and let go of a lot of things in search for life. I trusted others – because I didn’t have the courage to live my reality at the full -, where I should have trusted myself. I cried a lot and laughed a lot. Underneath it is joy for who I am, just life itself. There is still some identification left with my personality. It is really difficult to let go completely. It sometimes feels as madness.
Because I wanted to understand – I wanted to find words – I had to go a tough road and still it’s a beautiful road.
Then why am I hurt when other people don’t see it that way or want to give me hope? Hope doesn’t keep me going? It tears me apart. I just want them to stand beside me (a nice turnaround in there). I’m grateful that there are some who do.
How I decided to come:
After seeing the videos I knew this is it and I wanted to go. ‘But wasn’t I a bit foolish?’
So I sat down in meditation and asked myself ‘Is going to the School for the work by Byron Katie from 19-28 October the next step I have to take?’ And I instructed myself to get an answer not through a simple yes or no but by directing me to a passage in a book. I said to myself when there would be movement in it, I would go. When it would be stillness I would stay at home. Although I hadn’t thought of the Bible, this is what came to my mind: Mathew 3:5 and 17:8 and Isaiah 4:2 and the knowledge that the last one was the core of the three.
These passages are very promising. I still have to do the work. I don’t want to go into expectations but in to experiencing moment by moment.
Then Jerusalem, all Judea, and all the region around the Jordan went out to him
When they had lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only.
In that day the Branch of the Lord shall be beautiful and glorious; and the fruit of the earth shall be excellent and appealing for those of Israel who have escaped.